Assisting someone coping with grief

Saying to someone “Hey, if you need anything just let me know.”, seems like a pretty kind thing to say to somebody. However, to somebody who just lost someone close to them, it can actually feel more like abandonment.

This is because it shifts the burden of communication to someone who is least capable of carrying it. When someone is grieving, their brains go into survival mode and their bodies get flooded with cortisol. This means that their decision making capacity almost completely shuts down, making even the smallest task feel impossible.

So when you say “just reach out”, you’re asking that person to organise and even advocate for themselves when they actually feel like they’re drowning. It’s not that they don’t appreciate your offer, it’s just that they literally can’t process it. Weeks afterwards, they may be sitting alone in silence wondering why no one showed up even though everyone said that they would.

If you really want to really help somebody who’s grieving, don’t put the weight of connection on the person who’s broken. Instead of saying “let me know”, try saying something like “I’m bringing dinner on Tuesday night, is 6pm OK?” or “I’ll text you when I’m heading to the park join me if you want to join me” and if they say ‘no’ don’t take it personally, but make sure you try again later.

Persistent but small steps is the path needed to recovery. If you are a good friend, you will take those steps together.