Grief

When someone you loved dies, you naturally feel like a part of you died with them, and this is why:

In every close relationship there are three pieces, the YOU piece, the THEM piece and this US piece. When someone you love dies, you’re not just grieving THEM, but you’re going to be grieving the US part too remembering who you were with them and this is the part of grief that nobody sees. 

Psychology even has a name for it. Within ‘Pair Bonding’, it’s called “Inclusion of Other in the Self.” 

Whilst in a loving relationship, your brain starts to build memories of the other person inside your own sense of self so when someone you love dies, your brain is not only tracking their absence but it’s also working to rebuild its inner map where that piece once lived. 

This piece is that shared identity. The version of YOU that only existed when you were together. So now that they are gone you are not only missing THEM, you’re grieving the future that you were supposed to have and you’re grieving that specific version of YOU. 

When someone you love suddenly dies, the instinctive part of your brain takes time to adjust, to rewire, so it naturally keeps on running the same way it did previously, protecting and expecting their presence. So you thinking you hear them in the next room, expecting them to call you and wondering if they would like a cup of tea is just because your brain has become used to that.

So the feeling that part of you is missing, isn’t merely a metaphor. It neurological and psychological reality, but even with this knowledge, the pain of existing with that part missing, can feel immense.